Claremont McKenna College will forfeit its 501c(3) non-profit status and begin operating as a for-profit corporation by the end of the school year, wrote President Pamela Gann in an email sent to the CMC community this morning. Among other changes, the new “Claremont McKenna Corporation” will include an investment fund and a Super PAC run by economics and government faculty.
In the email, addressed to President-elect Hiram Chodosh and bcc’ed to every single one of Gann’s contacts, Gann revealed that the Campaign for CMC, her massive fundraising project, has merely been a front for her effort to sell off voting shares of CMC. Most of these shares have been sold to Henry Kravis CMC ’67 and George R. Roberts CMC ’66, co-founders of private equity firm Kohlberg Kravis Roberts. “They’ve donated so much that they might as well own the whole damn thing,” she wrote.
A major component of Gann’s plan is the effective dismantling of the economics and government departments in favor of the Robert Day Firm for Getting Money and the Forging America’s Rosier Tomorrow PAC, whose names Gann coined herself.
“The Robert Day Firm and the FART PAC will give students valuable, hands-on experience in manipulating the established structures of power for personal benefit,” Gann wrote, “and who better to teach students how to do that than the old white men who fill CMC’s economics and government departments?”
Students majoring in economics and government will only nominally attend CMC and will instead spend most of their time interning at the Robert Day Firm or the FART PAC. Regarding the rest of the College’s academic departments, Gann wrote, “The College will remain as a for-profit institution for those suckers who come here for something other than econ or government (there’s only like four of you, right?)”
Gann also listed a few other changes that will occur before Chodosh takes over on June 30. Students will receive shares of CMC stock instead of Latin honors at graduation, Halliburton will manage the ROTC program, and an automated 24/7 1-800 customer service hotline will replace the Dean of Students office.
The Port Side tried to call Dean of Students Mary Spellman, but we were redirected to Jill, a CMC freshman working as a customer service representative. Jill could not answer any of the Port Side’s questions, and said, “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, I used to work at Phoenite!”
Gann titled her email “Blackjack no trade back” and told Chodosh, “I bet you didn’t see this coming, four eyes. If you don’t like the changes I’ve made, you can nut up, shut up, or wait for Oxtoby to finally admit he’s a robot so you can just take his job.” Gann told Chodosh he could find her “sleeping in pools of money in Zimbabwe,” answering questions absolutely no one had asked about what Gann will do following her term as president.
After Gann’s announcement, Chodosh was seen softly weeping to himself while eating a sandwich at the Hub. According to students close to Chodosh (meaning those sitting near him), he repeatedly muttered “that’s not fair” while throwing bits of food at nearby students.
Many onlookers were encouraged by Chodosh’s appearance at the Hub, citing it as evidence he will interact with the student body more than Gann did. “Sure, he was bawling like a baby,” said Stephanie Baum CMC ’13, “but when he maniacally giggled after throwing a chunk of egg salad into my eye, I couldn’t help but feel that he really cares.”
Chodosh was too busy brandishing nun-chucks and screaming “I’m Napoleon fucking Dean-O-Mite” outside Gann’s office to respond to the Port Side’s request for comment.
The Port Side also attempted to contact administrators through the Office of Public Affairs in accordance with CMC’s new student media policy, yet Max Benavidez, Associate Vice President for Public Affairs, said company policy is to wait 90 days before commenting on a newsworthy event. Benavidez later posted a selfie of him giving the middle finger on Instagram, writing “fuck the #claremont #portside #filtersrule #transparencysucks #selfie #most #valuable #VP #at #cmc.”
Student reaction to Gann’s unexpected announcement has been divided, with some worried that CMC is abandoning its commitment to the liberal arts.
“I know CMC is all about practicality and stuff, but, shit, this is something else,” said a Literature major whose name the Port Side neglected to care about. “But at least my boyfriend [who is a government major and will soon be a FART associate] will get some experience royally screwing with the race for the congressional seat in Bumfuck, Wisconsin.”
Others, including many leaders of student organizations, are more emphatic in their support of Gann’s changes.
“CMC already helps students by making them part of a really selective group of people, and this [Gann’s plan] will help ensure students get even more out of CMC,” said ASCMC President Aditya Pai ’13. “I know I’m getting a six-figure stipend, stock options, and use of a company car out of the deal, so I think it’s pretty fuckin’ sweet.”
Happy April Fools’ Day!